Forrest Gump's Weblog

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Women Giving Birth In A Hospital

forrestgumpy — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 11:28:00 +0000

A woman is in the hospital giving birth, and she’s up on the stirrups. All of a sudden, the baby’s head pops out and looks up at the nurse. “Are you my daddy?” asks the baby head.

Shocked, the nurse replies concerned, “Uh, no, I’m not your dad, I’ll run and go get him!” With this, the baby’s head turns to the doctor and says, “Are you my daddy?” “My goodness no! But the nurse is going to get him, he will be here any minute.”

Finally, the father comes into the room and the baby sees him and says, “Are you my daddy?” To which the shocked father goes up close to the baby’s head and says, “Yes, son, I’m your father.”

The baby pulls his hand out and pokes the father in the head and says, “Well then… STOP POKING ME IN THE HEAD!”

Tribal Experiment

forrestgumpy — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:59:00 +0000

A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure?”

Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re half-way there,” he replied.

“You’ve grown to 12 inches?!” she said, astonished.

“No … it’s turned black,” he answered.

Ad For A Lion Tamer

forrestgumpy — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:55:00 +0000

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?” “No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”

Pig and chicken walking by church

forrestgumpy — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:53:00 +0000

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
“Great idea!” the chicken cried.
“Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”
“Not so fast,” said the pig testily. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”

A Single Women’s Prayer

forrestgumpy — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:43:00 +0000

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don’t send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who’s sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn’t lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn’t smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.

No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don’t let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won’t go out without a fight.

But then again with my luck,
He’d probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it’s just a passing fad.

I won’t be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won’t comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what’s up, girlfriend?
IT’S PARTY TIME!!!!

Husband Getting Phone Call

forrestgumpy — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:41:00 +0000

A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang.
Husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, “How the hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!”
Wife: “What was that all about?”
Husband replied, “Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear.”

Husband Immensly Aroused

forrestgumpy — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:38:00 +0000

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him: ‘Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.’ The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son: ‘Bring this to your silly Daddy.’ The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to ‘The lady in the kitchen’. The note read:

The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to ‘Take this to the poor man upstairs’. The note read:

I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

Hyderabadi Joke

forrestgumpy — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:34:00 +0000

In Hyderabad we have our own little Johnny. His name is Howla. His father is ambitious to educate Howla.

Howla goes to school in Tappa Chabutra. Its principal was educated in Urdu high school and claims that he passed tenth class!

There is a school inspection the next day and the conversation is as follows:

Teacher: Kal inispector ayinga. Kochanaa (questions) puchinga. Sab achaa padkey aau. Koi galath answer deengaa naa tho main uske pairaan thodtoom.

Howla: Iski maakki. Kyun aara inispector? Kaam nai hai usku? Kya kochanaa puchta kathey?

Teacher: Abey tereku kaiku re, tu kal school aanaaich nai. Tu tera moo khola to gaaliaan nikaltey. Tereku main absent nai daalthaum.

Ghar pe baithkey gotiyaan khel. Tu school aayingaa to inispector ke saamney mere izzat ki biryaani karke khaaingaa tu.

So our Howla is excited, goes home and tells his father that he is not going to school the next day.

Father: Yeah kyaa hai..ischool hai paan ka dabba hai? Gaand pe maartaun saale tu ischool nai gaya to.

Howla: Arey Bava, mera teacher bola nakko aao bolke.

Father: Usku akhal hai! Begum suno! Howla ischool nai jayinga kathey kal. Agar iney ischool nai gaya to kaise padhinga? Howla, agar tu kal ischool nahin gaya naa, tere haathan pairaan thod daaltaum.

So Howla cries and finally agrees to go to school. Next day in school, Teacher is very upset to see Howla back:

Teacher: Arey teri maakki. Nakko aao bole to bhi kaiko aaya re ?

Howla: Mera bava gaand phodtum bola ischool nai gaya to.

Teacher: offo?! Tera bava bola? Theek hai chal. Last bench pe baith aur inispector aya to chchup jaa. Dikhnaich nai. Kuch bhi gadbad karinga naa meri noukri lag jayingi.

So Howla goes to sit in the last bench hiding behind a tall guy. Inspector comes for the visit.

Inspector: Adaab.

Teacher: Adaab saab. Bachen acha padrain saab. Kochchanaa puchey to answeraan yun bolte.

Inspector: Abaa? Offo! Ithney kilever hai aapke bachchey? Achchaa, ek bahuth easy sawaal – Hamarey body mein sab se nazook cheez kaun si hai?

Teacher: Arey Imtiyaz tu bata rey!

Imtiyaz: Saab, Khaleja saab.

Inspector: Aisa! ….. woh kyun?

Imtiyaz: Saab, khaleja hai to sab kuch hota. Agar woh gaya naa, kuch bhi nahin hota saab.

Inspector: Abaa, kya tez potta hai rey! Aur koi?

Teacher: Arey Akram, tu bata re.

Akram: Saab bheja saab. Bhejey! ku khuch bhi hua to kuch yaad nahin rehta saab. Haathaan pairaan kaam nai karthey, iscooter ku kick bhi nai maar sakthey saab.

Inspector: Abey Teacher, kya kya padaaraa re inku tu. Chutiye ke jaiseich answeraan bolrai naa!!

In the meantime Howla is trying very hard to hide but Inspector sees him. He thinks Howla is hiding because he does not know the answer.

Inspector: Woh last bench pe yun jhuk ke baithaa naa woh pottey ka naam kya hai?

Teacher: kaun saab? …….Woh! (iski bhain ku, kaiku dikhaa re tu) Woh Howla hai saab.

Inspector: Howla? Ye kya naam hai? Kahan-kahan se lagaathey re bhai naamaan! Howla, woh lambu ke peechchey kaiku chchup raa tu?

Howla: Saab main moo khola to teacher maaringi saab.

Inspector: Tereku yaa mereku??

Teacher: Arey kya baath kar reh saab, main kaiku maarthaum aapku. Ye potta ekdam badmaash hai saab, jhoot bolraa. Abey Howla, answer maloom hain to bol nai tho khaamoosh baith jaa mere baap tere pau padthaum.

Howla: Saab sabse nazook cheez apne body mein Gaand hai saab.

Teacher: Allah!! Iney moo khola meri gaand lag gayi re!!!

Inspector: Abey kyaa to bhi bolra re! Sharam kar badon ke saamney aisaich baathaan karthey! Yeich sikhaaye tumhaarey amma-bavaa? Gaand kahaan kaa answer hai re?

Howla: Hau saab, gaand ich sabse naazook cheez hai.
Kaiku boletho … wahaan pe dilli mein baamb phata … Yahan Hydrabad mein apni gaand phat thi … Yahaan old city mein gadbadaan shuru hothey … wahaan new city mein sabki gaand phat thi.

Uttaa kaiku saab, main yeh answer bolraun naa, mere teacher ki gaand phatri dekho!!!!